breakdown at the gym…

So a few months back, I figured out how to upload songs onto a computer, compress them into MP3 format, and burn a disk with said songs. So NOW, instead of having to select the same 18-20 songs to have on my “gym work out CD,” I can have 80! OR more, if I really wanted – but I usually just get through about 25-40, depending on how many I skip over.

Yesterday, I STARTED on song #45, and as I worked my way through the songs, it was fun to have “new” songs to work out to.

Song #63 – “Little star” by Madonna. It had NEVER occured to me, until I heard it yesterday, while on the bike (I usually do weights, treadmill, then bike, as a cool-down), that it was a LULLABY from Madonna to her kids. The words are:

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

God gave a present to me
Made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul
You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are
Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Never forget where you come from
From love

You are a treasure to me
You are my star
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you
Little star

There’s no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep
Little star

May goodness surround you
My love I have found you
Little star

Shining bright

You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
(Whispered:) Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget where you come from
From love

Little star
Little star
(Whispered:) Little star
From love

OK, so I’m there, on the bike, and I kind of start to lose it. I mean, why can’t I be singing a lullaby to MY child right now? I felt very overwhelmed.

I kept my composure, only as much as one is capable to do so on a bike, in the gym, and then completed my work out, did my stretches, and went to the locker room. It was empty. I sat down and cried. But it wasn’t the “I want to be a mom” cry, it was “I HAVE to lose this weight” cry.

I blame all of this on Peggy, my therapist – I RARELY cry in her office – I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I’ve cried in her office – and one of them was days after I quit smoking. So as for the pure, I’m hurting cry, it’s rare. I just feel odd crying in front of other people. Even Peggy. But we talked about my mom’s e-mail, and it brought shit up. So I was somber at the least.

So perhaps the cry I had at the gym last night was the cry I needed to have in Peggy’s office – and you know, when you get to “that place” it ALL comes up – “Why aren’t we parents yet?,” “Why don’t I feel like I have any control over my weight loss right now?” – you know, ALL of it.

I feel better, and I know I have to plan my food out, because a “failure to plan, is a plan to fail.”

I think I have to go back to some of my old OA thinking about it. I ran into not one, but TWO OA folks over the course of a few weeks, so yeah, it’s a G-d thing. I totally believe that. So I have to plan my food on a daily basis. Because that’s what works for me – I can combine the WW and OA stuff into one program for ME.

It’s also Friday.

Hopefully, the birth mother comes into the office today at 2pm.

Hopefully, we’ll know something later today.

I’m so nervous.

I’m STILL so hurt by my mom’s comments.

I’m in such a weird place with my body, but I AM proud of fact that my old bulimic head didn’t pay me a visit yesterday, when I was feeling vunerable.

That’s something.

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10 thoughts on “breakdown at the gym…

  1. I am so proud of you for not allowing old thoughts to creep in when you were processing everything. That IS something.
    I wished for you & Narda on the 1st star last night. I am hoping all kinds of wonderful & exciting things are revealed today. I hope that soon you WILL have somebody to sing Madonna to.
    xxoo

  2. A big hug to my strong and hurting friend…. I am holding you two and the birth mom in my heart today, hoping that this is your turn and this is your baby. Lots of love!

  3. Less than one hour! We’ve been thinking of and praying for you two.

    I admire your strength more than anything, Shelli. You’re an amazing person.

  4. As a recovering anorexic turned bulimic turned compulsive overeater, i can so understand where you’re coming from. It seems like all of my painful issues somehow circle back to food and body image and weight. And I, too, HATE to cry in public and a place like the gym (doing something physical) is where it will inevitably come up. You’re doing good work. Big hugs to you!

  5. I’m so sorry, hon. I love that song, and sorry it caused you pain. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you guys, but I am firmly convinced that you will be mothers sometime soon.

  6. This happens to me as well… the delayed cry. Somehow we feel we are not entitled to this cry this emotion. You are. It’s all a huge frustrating ball of shit and everything you feel ok. Yeah you know this 🙂 just want you to know you are not alone. I love you.

  7. Oh, yes, I do know that one… the words to some song suddenly hit you full force, and you just break down about everything all at once, like a train of railcars, each with a different hurt. I am glad you didn’t get on the old track though! That is great! Hang in there.

  8. You know, it’s funny…I saw a therapist for over a year and never really cried in her office. I felt funny about it, even though that would seem to be THE place to really break down and sob. Hmm…

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