Where did it go?

I started my eight week Leave of absence seven weeks ago. I am actually going into work tomorrow for a big faculty retreat, but after that, Monday is “return to work day.” We need the money, I’m WAY psyched to go, but I’m TOTALLY depressed about it, as well.

It’s been DAMN HARD work being a SAHM (stay at home mom), but I would not have traded it for the world. I have been there to see all of Malka’s milestones, and her giggles and grins AMAZE me and make my heart BURST with glee. EVEN with the pain of sleep deprivation, the anxiety of Malka doing something different (which of course in my mind means she’s sick or something, but actually according to all of my mommy friends just means she’s learning new things and growing – DOH! Who knew they could do that!) and the stress of keeping a house clean and a relationship in order, it’s been great. If we could afford it, I would consider being home more.

I LOVE my job, and I’m excited to go back, but I will miss Malka.

We were away this past weekend, for a retreat with our synagogue,
and we left Malka with one of the babysitters provided by the retreat, and I cried – long and hard, and laughed at the same time from the embarassment – all of the moms there got it – it was the first time someone ELSE had put my baby to bed. I was a MESS. Thank G-d they all understood.

So I think returning to work will be a mix of both – I am excited to use other parts of my brain again, but I will hurt for Malka’s company. This is why we are struggling with a bedtime right now. I want to follow Malka’s lead to go to be earlier, but it will be really hard to leave work before 5:30 in order to make it home to have time with her before she goes to sleep.

I am envious of Narda who gets time off of work when there isn’t work happening – she is a professor, and has no classes during the summer. My leave was peppered with calls from the temp a few times a week, and sometimes a few times a day.

So all of this to say, it’s going to be hard. In so many ways.

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8 thoughts on “Where did it go?

  1. Shelli-it’s Christy in MD. I’ve been thinking about you and Narda often since the little angel came into your lives. I am so glad your wishes came true this year, I cried when I read your blog and was just so happy for you guys, I felt so bad for so long, having contacted you with a possible prospect and nothing came through, please forgive me for that. Now off my tangent-I was just wondering when you had to return to work, I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be, I would feel the same way. So, has everything you ever envisioned about being a Mommy been true and thensome I am sure!

  2. Returning to work is hard – really hard. But it is okay in the end,honest.

    Once you become a mum the whole ‘should be at work/should be with the kid’ is a constant in your mind and heart.

    But is does get better.

    Her patterns will change again and again – so don’t worry to much about the early bedtime. Before you know it she will start having one huge sleep in the middle of the day and wanting to stay up until 9 an you will be thinking what is wrong with 7 anyway! or any other combination you can think of.

    The only other thing I would say (and I have ofcourse no idea of your financial situation or your childcare options!) is that I was really pleased to end up working part-time and surprised myself about (a) how easy it was to get in the end (b)how much work there is to get done around the place once you have a child that you don’t want eating in to your weekend! (c) that I have been able to since returning to full-time work negoiate to work different hours so I can spend sometime with my boy (now at school). For me it was about having the guts to say this is what i would like. (your situation may be different but just a thought!)

    Good luck to you – I really enjoy reading your blog

  3. I know that i will be equally freaked when the time comes in August.

    I can’t believe it has already been 7 weeks for you!!

  4. You know…you wouldn’t be a good mom if you weren’t upset for leaving Malka. I would be upset too as she is gorgeous!!! However, with that being said and working after the three of mine were born, it was also nice to be able to have an adult conversation that wasn’t about poop consistency and nap time. It was kind of nice having a bit of me back…but remember, you will NEVER ever be anything less to your daughter because you work. It is the time you spend with her that matters and I am sure you do that very well. Afterall, I am sure she will want to be a successful woman when she grow up and there isn’t a better role model than you for her to try to duplicate. Remember, she hasn’t been around before and has nothing to compare to..so…if you picked your nose in front of her…she would probably think you were the best picker on the world.

  5. 8 weeks already… time did literally fly. Hope the retreat was good perhaps that tummy virus is goat fever?

    Hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

  6. has it really been 7 weeks? wow!
    I have so loved reading about your SAHMommyhood but I know that you, Narda & Malka will fall into your new routine wonderfully.

  7. Yes, it is hard, but it’s also great. I too was nervous about going back but when I did, wow! All of a sudden I was exactly who I wanted to be–a great mother who no longer obsessed about every little thing, a professional and a balanced woman. Even after the first day, when your baby welcomes you back with open, happy arms, you will feel better!

  8. Going back to work is hard, but you will both settle into new routines (which will of course continue to change every time you just really get used to them.) Hope the transition back to work goes well for all of you.

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